I woke up feeling fine - not hungry, but fine. Then later, I'm sitting downstairs playing a racing video game while Dommy colors in a racing coloring book and I felt it. I was so scared. It wasn't supposed to happen for another month!
It didn't really hurt at that point... felt unreal... like it was happening to someone else. We sat there for like two hours and I didn't tell anyone. It's supposed to hurt like hell when labor starts, right? It didn’t feel so bad right away. Not for a while actually. Just like cramps and I was distracting myself with the game, trying not to feel it so I wouldn’t panic. But they were starting to get pretty close together and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I crashed my car in the game and Dommy looked over. "Mami ok?" I just said "Go find Daddy".
Dom comes in lookin' all sexy and sweaty and manly from workin' outside... calm and slick and struttin' like the king every treats him as. "Wuzzup, Let?" Like nuthin' could phase him. I tell him it's time and he's like "Time for what?"
Dumbass.
When I say that I'm havin' the baby I thought he was gonna pass out! Haha, big boy can't handle it. But I wasn't laughin' long cuz then things went to hell. I felt like everything inside me was gonna explode it hurt so bad.
I'm sitting in the living room feelin' like a moron cuz I’m in tears already and covered in sweat, Dom's asking why the hell I didn't say anything sooner and Rosalia is whisking me away so this can happen. She shh'ed Dom. That was funny. But I didn't think so at the time. He was following us like a panic-driven stallion or something. Rosalia took me to the nursery cuz that was where she'd prepped everything for this day.
It hurt so bad... and I could hear Dom and Rosalia talking at me but they sounded far away and I could hardly make out what they were saying. Rosalia was gently checking me over and I think I heard her say that I was dilating fast but that my water hadn’t broken. Then she had this hook and it looked like it was going to cause me A LOT of pain. But I hardly felt it when she put it inside me. There was this sudden warm gush inside me, between my legs and I was afraid but the warm rush was kind of soothing too. Soon after there were the usual commands of "breathe". I was begging to push and Rosalia kept sayin’ ‘it isn’t time yet’. It just felt like that was what I had to do and just when I thought I couldn’t hold off any more they finally said "push" and I guess I obeyed because they didn't yell at me. I was so scared that I was going to do something wrong... that I had done something wrong and that this baby wouldn't be right because of me. I remember thinking 'a month early... why is she early?' I always thought of this baby as a girl. Maybe it's my 'feminine instinct'. I remember crying and screaming... I was scared that once she was out I would mess everything up. Dom was sitting behind me, holding my hands and I was leaning against his chest. When the baby crowned I felt myself tear and the pain changed from bone crushing to this stinging pain. I felt like I was fighting to stay sane, to stay human while my body did things it didn’t feel like it was meant to do. My mind was fighting to stay with – in – my body but my body was going on its on, with absolutely not a care to what I wanted it to do.
Then I heard Dom’s breath catch. He was right there, right with me, letting me crush his hands. Rosalia was laughing, smiling in that grandmotherly way of hers. "Ai, mija... a girl." Dom was trembling. He was clinging to me almost as hard as I had been clinging to him. I could hear her crying and Rosalia cooing about what strong lungs she has while she did... whatever she did. He repeated "it's a girl" a few times then kissed my hair and my cheeks. Rosalia put this bundle in my arms, Dom’s arms entangled with mine so we were both holding her. I thought for a minute it was just a blanket. He made sweet sounds at her and I watched. I felt so detached from everything... like I was watching it from across the room. I looked down into this tiny face that looked kind of red and kind of blue and it started to hit me. This thing wriggling and crying in my arms was real. It was a baby... our baby. It was a girl. I blinked at our daughter... her face was all screwed up and she was crying. I looked at Rosalia. Something was wrong and it was my fault… it had to be. "Why is she crying? What's wrong?"
"Nada. She needs to be cleaned up and after that she needs to eat. And you both need to sleep." She said back in this calm manner that gave me this insane urge to make her swallow her teeth. She looked at Dom. "Nevermind. All three of you need to sleep." She patted Dom on the shoulder, patiently waiting for when I was ready to hand her over to 'be cleaned up'. It took a while... a few minutes at least but I have no concept of time for that day. Finally I nodded at her.
I guess it was about an hour later when Rosalia returned our baby to us and by then we had decided on her name. Antonia Dominica. Not that Dom had much of a choice. I smiled at them. I was so tired. Everything earlier had been overwhelming and unreal. Now... now that she was ok, that she had a name, now that I was ready to pass out, it was all the most amazing thing that had ever happened. I held out my arms until little Minnie was safely in them. Rosalia reminded me that she was hungry and told me how to do it then quietly sat just beyond us. This was completely different but reminded me of the beauty I saw when Dommy was standing on the beach... when he asked if he could call me mami. But this was something else.
I realized I was shaking... Rosalia is a tough ruca man! "You're not finished yet." She guided me through a few more things with Minnie. She promised to go over everything again since I was somewhere between high and dead. Then she made Dom settle her in the cradle in our room. I was informed that I would be cleaned up and checked over then tucked into bed where I would remain for the next week. Grr.
Between Dom and Rosalia, I didn't have a choice. Dom is stronger than anyone and Rosalia... well she could probably make him cower in the corner and take on Vince and Leon at the same time and win. They carried me like a glass baby doll and did everything that Rosalia said they would do. I didn't do a thing. I just stayed still and let them do everything. She talked me through everything. It was kinda nice cuz even if I wasn't listening, she's got this methodical voice that just soothes the soul. It felt nice after it all, all the blood and sweat and whatever else was gone and I felt clean and pure.
Dom put me in bed and I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, my hand over the side on the bed, on my daughter's stomach... feeling her breathe, feeling her heartbeat. Dom told me later that I was sleeping with a smile on my face. I woke up a lot to feed her and stuff, listening to Rosalia like she was god and once... once I woke up for no reason and I wanted to scream because I was so happy. Minnie was sleeping, my hand on her chest and stomach still (so tiny, I can't believe she's so tiny), Dommy was curled up against my side and Dom had his arm over Dommy and me and his hand was over mine on Tony.
The four of us... we are everything I never thought I would have. I won't lose this.
I don’t know how I wrote about this at all. It is so vast… I just can't do it justice, I just can’t find the words.
