This is what I’ve missed the most. After the upheavals, after all the shit, after the making up… the peace that follows is what I’ve missed. I’m lying on my stomach so I can write and he’s using the small of my back as a pillow. We talked a bit. I’m afraid he’ll be upset. It’s too late to do anything about it though.
I’ve made up my mind… one more time. One more chance. I’ll tell him flat out if he fucks up, I’m gone… but one more try first. I can’t let go of him. I love him. I need him too much.
Can I do that? Can I walk away if we break each other again? I promised him I’d never let anyone hurt him and I hurt him. I promise myself, now that if it hurts as bad as it can, I’ll leave. Can I keep that promise? I don’t make promises very often. I almost always break them when I do.
Watching him with HER son… their son… his son… Dios it hurt! I wanted to be the first. I’ve always wanted to be something – someone he couldn’t forget. Someone he needed. I don’t know what kind of mother I’ll be, but I always thought that if I ever had kids it would only be for Dominic. I’d give everything – ANYthing to him. I remember when I was nine… that day Dom let Vince rough him up for sleeping with that chick. That was his first time and I knew it. I was nine years old and it killed me. So I watched Dom as Vince threw a fit… watched him with this look on my face Dom had probably never seen before and more than likely interpreted as childish confusion. I’d never held many hopes for being his first so it wasn’t too bad. But this… what can I give him? He has it all. He has money and knows how to make it when he doesn’t, he can have any girl he wants, he has his cars… he has a son.
Jesus! He doesn’t need me. I’m just the kid he always used to send away. “Get lost, Letty.”
I’m just the kid he used to take care of when it came down to it. I remember when I was six, my parents started freaking out about one thing or another. My mother was screaming at me and my dad had slammed me against a wall so hard there was a hole there. Well, believe me I could scream when I wanted to and I wanted to then. I screamed so loud that Dom heard from his house! Three houses away, man. He was only eleven but he was already getting pretty big. He was muscular and taller than the other boys his age. He marched in, picked me up and left without a word. It was kind of funny. My dad didn’t say anything either, he was shocked that anyone actually gave a damn, I think. And my mom just shut up and watched it. They were so stunned it was funny as hell. Well I think so now but then, I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried into him and, he – who never let me play with him, never let me follow him around (I did anyway) – he carried me to his house and washed my face, got me a few toy cars to play with and let me sleep in his room with him because he knew I’d have nightmares. “Silly little ruca.” He crooned at me. And I slept… no nightmares… because he was there.
But… what if… what if it’s all wrong… all different. What if he doesn’t want this baby? What if one’s enough for him? I think it will kill me if he doesn’t want it. If Trisha’s son is enough for him. I know I would die if he could have that with her and not want it with me.
I’m so tired… all the time, lately. Everything hurts… my ribs are killing me, lying like this does nothing to ease the pain and the sex doesn’t help either. But at the same time, it’s okay. Dom’s pressed in against me… my cure-all, my addiction. I can feel his heart beating in the vein in his throat. His breath is warm on my skin. Even though my ribs hurt I want him to wake up and make love to me again. I want him to tell me what he thinks of this baby and I want him to tell me he needs me… even though I know he doesn’t. I need him… probably I have enough need for both of us… he’s like my drug and I’m so fucking addicted… and there’s no rehab for people like me… no 12-Step program to make the cravings stop…
“I love you, bendejo.” I whispered to him just now and I saw this smile on his lips. It made me smile too.
I think he’s awake now. He’s kissing my back. He’s s
haha oh I love him! He grabbed me, pulled me to him turning me over at the same time and just started covering me with kisses while I laughed (and cried cuz it hurt my ribs like hell) cuz he was tickling me. We made a game out of it, playing around and stuff. In the middle of it all things got serious, when he was kissing my ribs and stomach, I asked him if he was upset that I was pregnant. He moved up and kissed me square on the mouth. “Ruca, I am SO happy. I wish...I wish it was only EVER you... I want this, Letty. This baby, and everything that comes with it. I want... US."
“I want us.” That was what he said… above everything else THAT is what made my heart skip a beat.
I ignored the pain again (believe me that’s HARD to do), rolled over so I was on top and guided him inside me. I wanted him. I want us too. I looked down at him, into his eyes and came very fast… I was so worked up from his words, from my fears, from missing him… his hands were driving me to the limits, and the feel of him filling me had me trembling. Between the pain, the pleasure… the need, I came twice before he got there. It was his eyes that sent me free falling… the look of pure heat and love… Love… I SAW it this time. He didn’t have to say it. I saw it in his eyes, felt it in his touch… Love… oh Dios, he loves me… I think he was shocked at the violence of my emotions… the way I leaned into every little touch, my body running on it’s own accord and my mind wrapped somewhere in a thick fog of relief. He. Loves. Me.
Earlier I was toying with the idea of marriage but a baby and a wedding seems a lot to deal with… and I am so NOT initiating a marriage talk! Not when it’s all still so fresh again.
