I don’t know what Vince knows… or where he is. When Dom and I woke up, we were alone in the house. Dom lay, his head on my shoulder, his arm around me, fingers tangles in my hair. I kiss the top of his head… it’s a loving, possessive gesture between the team. We all use this gesture for affection and most definitely for ownership. A member of our team belongs to every member of the team and outsiders are pretty well ignored. The guys are forgiven for outside lovers… Mia as well. I haven’t been with anyone besides Dom (except Vince) since I was 16. Even then… it was just kissing… I belong entirely to the team. I don’t mind. The team gives me everything I need… love, friends, cars… they’re my family.
When Dom woke up, I was already awake, lying happily in his arms. I smiled at him and studied his eyes… those beautiful, familiar eyes. He kissed me lightly. I couldn’t stop looking at him… like my body had been sated last night but my eyes were still hungry…. I had to burn his image in my mind… take in any changes… ignore the healing wounds from someone else… or many someone elses, who knows. He runs his hands slowly over my body, like ensuring I am really there. He rests his hands on my stomach. Something has changed but he doesn’t understand yet. His eyes lock with mine, questioning this change. “Papi… we’re…” I was so confused, I had no clue at all how to tell him. He kissed my ribs and my stomach, deciding he had to know all the changes. “I’m pregnant, Dom.” I can’t believe how hard saying that one word was.
He kept kissing me, running his hands over me. I wondered for a moment if he hadn’t heard me. He looks up at me again, studying my eyes and silently asking if this child is his. He gets his answer in the same silent manner. But I finally decide to tell him… “It was three years ago… the night you were wit Trisha.” I felt tears in my eyes. I had never told him that I had seen. “I went after you. I hated – hate – her so much and you were kissing her… I didn’t think I’d ever be able to get in your car again and when you carried her inside…” I closed my eyes to hide the pain there, the movement made the tears fall. I wouldn’t let him talk. Not yet. I told him how stupid I thought people were. How they always say someone cheating on you with your best friend is the hardest thing in the world. I’ve seen Dom with girls who were my friends. Hell, I saw him with my best friend in the whole world – my cousin and it didn’t hurt nearly as much as seeing him with Trisha. At least when it’s someone YOU like, you see something in them too or you wouldn’t like them. But there is NOTHING about Trisha I like or agree with or… I understood – I didn’t like but I understood – him sleeping with my friends. But her? What the fuck does she have? I explained this to him. Told him how confusing it is… I pointed out to him that Vince had known me since I was five years old and had seen me through a lot of the stuff Dom had seen… not in as much detail, but he was still there. I told him that Vince had been singing to ME that night in the bar when he was talking to the blonde. I told him how Vince took me out and showed me off and how different I thought it was. I explained it to Dom, hoping for once in his life he’d actually listen instead of hear. I waited for the rage to come…
It never did.
It took a moment but I realized that he was crying by the time I finished, my arms around him. “I’m sorry.” I whispered. Once I started I couldn’t stop. I told him I was sorry for hurting him when I’d promised I’d never let anyone hurt him, I was sorry for hitting him, I was sorry for yelling, for being so angry all the time, I was sorry for throwing the Corona at his head, for being selfish, for being jealous, for crying so much, for that time I kicked him in the ribs after Vince beat the crap out of him for sleeping with his girlfriend, for not believing him when he told me he loved me, for never being enough for him…
I apologized for every little thing I had ever felt guilty about. But I told him I wouldn’t apologize for sleeping with Vince.
Then he said he was sorry too… his was shorter… more all-encompassing… and he said he wouldn’t apologize for sleeping with Trisha because of Dominic. Which I understand. He loves that little boy SO much.
We didn’t protest each other’s apologies because they were obviously real to us. Instead we tried to soothe each other’s fears and prove that we forgave each other.
